Chris’ Corner

I feel the need to disabuse some people of the notion that all committee members are part of the mafia. Rumours are easy to start and sometimes hard to dispel. God, I should know this more than most! It appears that because all of our mothers cook spaghetti and we all have black cars, we are Mafioso! Incredible. Do we put contracts on people? do we use guns? do we intimidate? do we demand protection money? do our enemies end up in concrete foundations? Ok, it is yes to a few of those, but definitely not all! Did I mention drug dealing? No. We have a code, we don’t sell to children, we have our ethics!

So, what is this to do with the allotment you may well ask. It will become clear (I certainly hope so as I don’t tend to have a plan for this sort of thing) It is probably worse if you are one of those (possible) rumour mongers who are anti this innocent little newsletter corner, and are reading this under your bed covers, teeth clenched, seething, silently screaming to yourself “why doesn’t he mention vegetables?”, and then slinking back to day 47 of your reality tv show completely denying to your partner you are a closet reader! “Where have you been?”, “I was in the toilet dear, and yes, I washed my hands”.

So, where does this leave us now. Oh yes of course, the hosepipe ban. We won’t mention it. Not a good idea to go there. People have gone missing for a lot less.

And others ask..why do we have to be so vigilant and assertive as a committee…? bad things happen at the allotment..I know..sad but true…we have been actively interrogating our paid informants and usual squealers and snitches in regard of a missing radish. It had been reported and we swung into action. The bosses from the various families gathered. All in black, respectful, but slightly ominous Perhaps a touch too malevolent for my delicate tastes but a genuine presence notwithstanding. Was it one of us…? (this unspoken) …but undoubtedly the notion hung heavy in the air of the welcome hut..surely not…it couldn’t be…we have omerta… a wise guy..? no..a rumour monger…?!! Is it possible…? A joint shrug of agreement…a raised eyebrow… a nod. A black car starts up…

Knock, knock.

“He’s upstairs in the toilet again, too many courgettes ha ha. Dear, there’s someone here to see you, something about some plot? come in, please can I take your gloves for you?”

“Hello, can I help you?”.. ‘it will be quick, I’m just here to kiss you on both cheeks….’

And they say this corner doesn’t mention vegetables..!! not true…this is a true vegetarian smorgasbord, a regular glut of vegetables, a genuine feast ..! Courgettes! Radishes! what else could a true gardener possibly want!

It has been very tough to actually succeed as a gardener over these past few months. If you have survived, managed and even thrived we may need you and your expertise. A tap on the shoulder?  A wink?  you will be one of us. Comes with a car…

Thank you.